I have a Tumblr now...

http://amandavalentine.tumblr.com/

the stuff I put over there will be much different then the stuff I post here...

fading into failure

So this is what failure looks like...
A glance in the mirror
Failure to eat...
Notice the bones
Failure to sleep...
Herion chic under eyes
Failure to play...
Ears gone deaf

And I am failing and falling deeper
I am burnt. I have been burnt out.
Set on fire and stubbed out quickly...
Over and over again until all you have is ash

So like ash, I lay here
I am good for nothing now
Burnt beyond any good quality
Fading with each tiny little lick of a breeze

soul-less and smiling

color me perpetually devastated
and i knew this day was coming
and i felt it would be soon
but still...
perpetual devastation has found me cold
...and soon to be very very drunk
and it's my fault for always holding my tongue
every chance i ever had to tell you how i felt
every chance you gave me... almost begging me to just say it
and i bit down so hard i bled into my mouth
i swallowed hard and smiled... tongue-less, all lips and teeth
spewing optimism to simply see you smile
to smell the relief exude off of you
to bass in your glory and my misery all at once
and now is the time for me to realize
everything i've done has been wrong
i was wrong......
but i will never tell a soul

Sleep's Bruises

A blood soaked and thirsty night... without you, without the lighter side of me
And I'm getting weaker
And I'm getting more tired, the more sleep I get
And I am always hoping when I lay my head down it won't lift back up again
And the hours of sleep multiply as the bruises on my body grow
Like blood filled rivers underneath pale skin... pushing up trying to escape
And I don't recall bumping into anything
And I don't recall bumping into you
I sleep sound, I sleep alone
My life's pulse comes in the sound of keystrokes and text message alerts
And I wake to vibrations
And I am awake and bleeding...
Underneath my skin
Waiting to float away from the inside out
I'm waiting

five years

Tonight I opened my eyes... and without blurred vision... I was able to see you for you... I was able to see the monster you have become. I always thought what I was seeing was my own reflection... in my tears... it was me looking back into my own eyes... but no... the tears fell dry this evening and I realized my vision was 20/20... and the monster's really you.

I have spent the past 5 years apologizing for all of your mistakes. I have spent the past five years thinking that perhaps I was just crazy for the sake of being crazy. To think all it would take was seeing it through someone else's eyes.. through my own eyes... I had become my own perfect stranger... completely in denial that I could be the victim............... once again.

This is not my fault.

Welcome to Hollywood

The water tastes bad... or is that just my mouth?
I am what feels like one million miles away from where I need to be... in every sense of the word... in every senseless way
And I have said it before and I will likely say it again...
So this is success? Someone please come save us from it?
I was so much happier getting by, unknown
I was perfectly fine appearing much less tall
This all grew from a seed of spite and I wonder why and how we got here?
It is rather apparent to me, always
But now that the moment is gone how do we get past this?
Now this means something different... but how do we shake that old dirt off?
And we are something they said we'd never be
And still we spit in the faces of success repeatedly
Fame or fury? Fame from fury?
This little fucking abusive short-fused outlet has taken on a whole new shape
Morphine flavored and more numbing than ever

Romance Defined

They call me romantic but my scale for romance is weighed by liquor and blood loss... the lace and flowers are all smoke and mirrors, truly. And how much I love you all depends on how clean I lick the knife when I'm done.