love! at last!

I found love in the ending once again...
It's never new beginnings.


Life just drones on and I couldn't be happier thinking about this ending...
I couldn't feel more free. I couldn't feel more love right now... bubbling up inside... a love for a life of nothing... no drama, no lover, no future to care for and tend to... nothing all laid out neatly... no more tip toeing around in fear of creasing or unfolding or disturbing... anything.


It's never new beginnings... it's just the beginning to yet another end. This is where I find my comfort... and this is the moment that I learn... if you start nothing new... THIS END will last forever... this feeling will never die.


Love! At last!

without the time

i have no time for these distractions... my head is spinning with things to do and places to be
there is always some kind of work that needs to be done
color me numb again and again... because numbness enhances my ability to get shit done
and there's a lot to get done......
and my life is too full of obligations; to produce good product again and again
maybe i'll see you while on vacation... if vacation days ever do come
maybe i'll meet you on the subway and we can talk from point A to point B
in between obligations and appointments and the expectations of others...
again and again and again

There's so much I want to *not* say right now... to you. to anyone, really.

But I still like you and I don't want to. He was wrong... so wrong about you... why did I listen? Why did I invent that enemy in you? How could I be so easily fooled...? Mistaken completely about who was what exactly....

I traded something for nothing. I wish I could tell you that. You were really something.

Wasted and Sober

Your hands whisper... something I'll never hold... your breath
I hold my breath for you... when I'm sleeping... when I'm crying

And I wonder how it would be if I obtained the nothingness I long for...
Because you remind me that I'm nothing...
(...but i already knew that)

Inhale me, exhale me... spew my age out onto my face, rub it in
Remind me of the lines fading in and out... all the time I'm wasting...

...all the time I've wasted.......... on you.

Tragically Hideous

People like you offend real cutters who have lived and witnessed real tragedy first hand. A sad sorry excuse for a tormented soul... trying way too hard to be something you'll never be... that in itself is a tragedy. Perhaps this is the way you'll succeed? Inflicting yourself with artificial misery?

Naive arrogance in high heeled shoes --- soon to be walking the heels flat --- homeless once again.

Witness Protection Program

I have seen things I was never meant to see... too much blood to speak of... in my time here... and there... (because I get around...) oh yes!

I have heard things and spoken words that should have never fallen on human ears... I should just save it all for the squirrels... my secrets are safe with them and they handle truth well...

I have connected souls that should have never been connected... and ruined lives and taken the virginity of my best friend using the body of very awful boy. And others wear life-long scars and others are slowly suffocating but don't yet realize it and then others are being used as mere bodies in the flesh... all because of my very poor judgment in character and my endless hope and faith that other people can be like me... can be sincere and conscious... and treats hearts like fragile porcelain...

I am a ruiner of all things loved due to my hope in just that- love. I dare you to say otherwise. I dare you to make just arguments about such matters... because my actions can't be justified... due to these endless and haunting results.

I want to binge and purge my truth into voided mud holes free of hearts and minds and ears and skin. I want to free you all of the pain I've caused using my best intentions as my sharpest weapon. All the pain I am still causing and watching slowly happen...

If everyone could be honest... I could relax. If I could become a liar... I could sleep sound at night... with nothing keeping my mind a chaotic collection of secrets meant to be spoken loud...

And I scream into a deep dark nothing... and I sit silent... in everyone else's blood... staining my body red.

the day she retired

I miss the day before my heart and mouth went poison... not even a kiss is needed to strike one dead... because my words are deadly and I seem to feed on the dying... or at least, I did.

And now the negativity is sauntering off like a dim short sound wave in the background. And I am grasping my own hand and my own heart again... getting further from my lost self and finding my footing once again...

But I miss the certain gray areas surrounding the days before his return... before her return...

And I am uncertain about a lot of things still... I'm just feeling less insane... that's the only thing that has changed really.

And I can feel people slipping from my hands... like sand - no matter how hard you grip... eventually the last grain will fall to the floor and be swept out to sea. And I can see... it happening.. right now.

And I think I am losing, but I no longer feel lost. I am merely background noise these days... and I think I might be happy with this. I want everyone happy... with or without me. I am destined to spend this long short life alone... and I am fine with this... I am fine.

It's a matter of lacking a certain care I used to be too full of. That constant need to protect everyone... to love everyone to my fullest capability... that constant forgetting about myself.

And still I forget sometimes... when I'm spinning too quickly. But there is work to be done... and in love, I am done. I can't protect that which longs to lack protection and refuses to embrace my care. And with this I am less sensitive. I am less a person, perhaps... but I've always been far too intense, truly... so this must be for the best.

Emotions no longer rule me. I am production. A product of what I once was.

But it's that I am missing... your arms and words... and your conversations (because I went crazy)... and the art of being enthralling to more than one person... to anyone at all.

I am lack luster despite some arguments on the topic in my nearest past. I ruined everything with my mouth... feeding it liquor and spewing out words so irrational and overly-emotional. I ruined everything with my hands... on your body, on my body, on metal against metal pulling at my blood. I wish I would have choked on my words and slowly bled to death with kind regards to my hands and sharp objects... but I'm still here, more so in the background than ever before...

So...

I have stopped spinning. I sit here still and silent. I am the retired ruiner.