awake at noon

I am awake as you still sleep in a bed haunted by my being not being there...
How long have I been gone?
When will I return?

when the unwanted wants

Wanting just gets in the way... no time for distractions now...
Time to succeed in success. Time to fight the feeling to feel.
I might die while I'm out there on the road...
But please know this: everything thought of you - was not a wasted thought.

The thaw...

The thaw... something to look forward to even before the freeze

Like ice on mountains - melting... spinning down, losing impurities in mineral rocks as gravity pulls it down

I want my life to drip down to it's simplest form... I will be there at the bottom raising my glass

It's then I can finally climb the honest climb

It's then I can finally stop holding back

chemical addictions

I need to accept you as my on again off again best friend (forever)
I need to stop letting it fuck me up each time the table turns
And I thought that was my great accomplishment the last spin around... and then here you are again - sitting on the porch of my heart - as beautifully fucked up as ever
And then I realize... I too am beautifully fucked up despite my many attempts to fight such facts
And then I realize... I am more together than I have ever given myself credit
My bounceback time gets faster every time... and my feet are more solid on the ground.
I love you but love means less to me each and every day.
Love is a chemical inbalance - and I have left behind chemical addictions.

Dressed Down Daily

There are no true faces behind this screen of glowing success...
Unsatisfied. Unwilling to settle. Unwilling to meet the social standards.
Unwilling to... DRESS UP and GET OUT THERE!

And you don't even know who I am...
And I don't even know who I want to be.

Picture Perfect

I am beyond overwhelmed and it's fucking overwhelming

I am always without enough time

Without time to myself...

It is constant... I am in the constant forward motion

Moving so quickly - too quickly to appreciate each day

So this is success? This is where all my hard work has gotten me... more work?

I sigh close to constantly because hell, I'm "making art"

But who fucking cares if I'm on to the next piece before I can even admire works past

Who fucking cares is it's mass produced and making me money

Who fucking cares?

I need an assistant - a mini me... but no one can be me and do what I do

I can't sacrifice this work - my art - my art of finding more work and more art to make

Overwhelmed and waiting...

I wish I could sit back and watch this fall into my tired lap...

But good comes to those who work and I am sure this is good

Everyone tells me it's great!

I want to marry rich so I can make art more slow...

But I want to be alone - I want to be alone.

I want love to find me and to nurture me and my art.

I want love to leave me alone for days, no(!) - weeks at a time... upon every request.

You may want me to live and breath for you... but my life is just pictures...

I'll love all your pictures...

...just lend me picture perfect days?

Submission

Beat me into submission
I have been beat
I am tired and too shifty to grasp you and pull you back to the surface
To swim myself towards the light
I'll let you drown --- looking for someone to pull me up this time
I am exhausted by my own constant domination
I want to be a submarine
I want to drift with the tide until someone makes me a wave
I want to be held down by my throat... pin me to the bed until I come to my senses during those classic irrational female moments I hate admitting I have
Tell me what to do and when to do it... just for one day
Be MY lifesaver - Be MY supervisor
MY controller, my go to guy, my "it's in your best interest", my conscience of what is right and wrong... and someone tell ME when it is time...


...because it is time... and I am too tired to see this- clearly... but I am sure it's clear as day...


It's time...

to go.. to sink.. to float.. to stop struggling to save someone else