watching you deflate

(This was actually written 7-22-2009... I never really had the balls to post it publically until now... because of how personal it felt. But at the time being, it is very relavant to my last few blogs and is interesting to me because of how the last "almost year" has brought me back to nearly the same point.)



-start-

you can be so demeaning... i'm not even sure what i see, or saw... sometimes.. a lot(!)
and you have your excuses for such words... and i have my reasons for honesty... and for hiding... and for not hitting back... when hit

i could chew you into pieces... i could tear you apart from the inside out... but i think personal flaws make us human... make us beautiful

and still you pick pick pick at me and you swear it's not what you're doing... and i am finding i only miss your "company"... i only miss having an object of affection... i really don't miss being spoken to as if i were a child... because you are not fucking me and until otherwise it's really just crass, or obnoxious... and i need not lose my footing for guys like you... unless my feet are up in the air and I am bursting with orgasm... then you can demean me all you want and I promise you I might just like it.

where do you live, dear?
where do i live?
where do you work, dear?
where do i work?

there have been times i have longed to get on a bus, show up on your doorstep and bare my breasts... to show you i am a woman, grown... to show you that i am not as helpless as i sometimes like to pretend.. to show you that despite my falling apart i am SO WELL together that it's almost sickening and you would be shocked... and you are shocked(!) and sick by it...