Gone in distant sounds...

I don't know where this is going... I just know I'm gone...
And you stand there with your hands full of nothing and watch me as I go.
I guess your body is too full of importance to set that void down for a moment... your life's too full of empty words to think to follow me home.

And there you are with nothing... and no one
And here I am... with distance and blatant scars and gaping wounds
And there is no one there to fill you... and no one here to clean my wounds

So you sit there confused as I sit here infected... and this is really one big dead end(!)
The end of the empire of you and me.
The end of comfort and that chance of meaning something to someone.
((Meaning something vs. meaning nothing... nothing will prevail!))

And I can drink until I bleed... and yes, you will still water me
You like to watch me wilt... or maybe you just care too little to even see the pedals falling
You hand me pockets full of razors... and you haven't a single clue because you care not check them before you hand them over

And you cry. And I laugh. And you laugh. And I cry.
This cycle is so insane... like a metal record skipping... tormented screams are not lining up or even remotely coming together.

So you edit in the other room... and I sit and slam these keys with very little grace.
And I wonder why you came here. And I wonder why I hold you... after I make you cry.
And I wonder why I am still here. And I wonder why you hold me... after you make me cry.

Tragedy makes for an interesting ending for any old 'typical' love-lost story. And this tragedy is mine.

spinal tap

inject me with your safety
i miss the comfort of things i haven't had in forever

i missed the comfort around uncomfortable arms
i missed faces and places and times gone past

i am missing the time that will come to me with each breath
i exhale and never breath in ... anymore... these days

these days come and go and i say at noon, "i will look at those in the morning"
what day is it...? what time will the sun finally sink and hide it's ugly face?

i want to be alone in darkness until you arrive to help me properly medicate
until you remove the sharp objects from my hands and smile with your whole heart
you never look down on me for these moments...
i always look down. i collect rocks and all things heavy. it's sometimes hard to walk.

why would you put up with this, ever?
why would you love something so hideous?
why are you still here?

spinning sober

I cut myself last night and the blood was so thin from wine that I bled sheer water.
I've never been so scared. I've never been so satisfied.
I destroyed everything in my path until I reached an almost instant calm...
Looking back at my destruction was like this squeezing ache up in my heart.

So much blood from three small slices.
So little words to cause such silence.

These scares will be forever... like the forever motion of my storm inside.
And I spin, and I spin, and I spin around you.
And I spin, and I spin, and I spin around me.
And I'd love, nothing more... to simply say I'm sorry.
But I'm still drunk--- hours later--- and I'm not.

---------------------

These moments of destruction are what define me.
These moments of destruction are so far from me, being me.
I always say, "I don't need saving..." (but possibly, I do?)

watching you deflate

(This was actually written 7-22-2009... I never really had the balls to post it publically until now... because of how personal it felt. But at the time being, it is very relavant to my last few blogs and is interesting to me because of how the last "almost year" has brought me back to nearly the same point.)



-start-

you can be so demeaning... i'm not even sure what i see, or saw... sometimes.. a lot(!)
and you have your excuses for such words... and i have my reasons for honesty... and for hiding... and for not hitting back... when hit

i could chew you into pieces... i could tear you apart from the inside out... but i think personal flaws make us human... make us beautiful

and still you pick pick pick at me and you swear it's not what you're doing... and i am finding i only miss your "company"... i only miss having an object of affection... i really don't miss being spoken to as if i were a child... because you are not fucking me and until otherwise it's really just crass, or obnoxious... and i need not lose my footing for guys like you... unless my feet are up in the air and I am bursting with orgasm... then you can demean me all you want and I promise you I might just like it.

where do you live, dear?
where do i live?
where do you work, dear?
where do i work?

there have been times i have longed to get on a bus, show up on your doorstep and bare my breasts... to show you i am a woman, grown... to show you that i am not as helpless as i sometimes like to pretend.. to show you that despite my falling apart i am SO WELL together that it's almost sickening and you would be shocked... and you are shocked(!) and sick by it...

practice makes perfect

watch me self destruct
watch me closely, but don't stand too near to me
explosive and bubbling over
spilling onto the floor... spilling onto myself... and you... and her
and i want to take your picture
and i want to make you something you are not
paint your face with powder so pale and liner so dark
and we dance way past midnight but we don't even talk
hands on smooth skin that belongs to myself
pressed against empty pants and voided lips
and we dance to the sounds of self destruction...
and we spin and we spin and we spin...
can't wait to fall down. can't wait to be done.
the dance is soon to be over... let me leave you dizzy - confused
when did the music stop?
when did she self destruct?

inhaling sand that should be you

I am paying my dues to the sun
burn me... melt me away
Lose me in the arid lands of red
so far from the sea
I dream of throwing more than airplanes off those cliffs
my favorite heels and real close calls
I wonder how fast my body would fall
how hard it would hit
how good it would feel
how free from wonder one could be... or not be...
I long to learn again, the feeling of being up so fucking high
reaching for stars and answers
falling from heights to a cold hard death once I finally find them

Can you hear me?

I am screaming into silent nights...
Can you hear me as my hand slips and my fingers squeeze her throat.

It takes 2 women to replace you and I've never even met you... what does this say to you, about you? to me? about me?

Hands in hands... soft and small... hands on my legs and breasts and thighs and... oh my(!)

So why are you on my mind? I have eyes of blue and green surrounding me... shots fed to me... love handed over like candy... so simple and sweet. So why the same strange taste in my mouth? Why is something clearly missing in my mind that wanders?

I don't know. Just fuck it away. Just lay my head in someone's lap and let them dread my hair as they rub my pain away.... never stop.

Just another learning experience...

You've taught me nothing, and everything at once.
I learn to unlearn and re-learn forgotten lessons.
No more trust. No more weakness. No more... anything...
I was always better when I was comfortable with the nothingness I hold.
I hold my head up and look you in the eyes. I don't see you. I see my reflection...
My face and mind reflecting on the days...
When I was happily lost...
And again I am happy. I am glad that someone showed me... not to trust a soul... again and again.

Make this lesson stick this time.
Fuck what you have said or done or haven't done... it doesn't matter.
It does not matter when nothing matters(!)
You say you want something... I hand it to you and you drop it on the ground.
It shatters... I don't even flinch.
It was nothing. Nothing important... inside me.

I am happy. Fancy free... free of care, thus free from harm.
And this razor feels familiar dragging up each arm.
The joy inside me lies to my heart... sending throbbing signals like this never ended.
The last few weeks - the last few months... never really happened.
The scars never faded... like you faded... and you fade.

I cannot open you.
I cannot see you.
I cannot feel you.
I cannot taste you.
I cannot see your blood.

Paler than ever now... almost transparent...
The scars never faded... like you faded... and you fade.... away.
You fade away and I laugh until it hurts.

Thank you kindly... sweet remembrance. A little messenger... a little reminder... in the misleading shape of a heart.

A Time For Change

I am ready to remove myself from any pecking order... start a new line... and yes, you can follow-

but only if you want to. Only if you know how hungry I am.Only if you want to be my food.
Because I have spent these years starving... letting others feed off of me.And then my eyes were opened and just then I saw nothing standing before me.... grasping for a face I'll never know, or see.

But I now have my vision and my hunger is still a rage... I am ready to reverse these roles. I am ready to eat your heart out.... catch me if you dare.

(product product: when bringing out someone's sensitivity and value goes terribly wrong)

I have never...

I have never.
I have been more alone than this.
But still...
I wish for sleep that's never ending.
I wish for a coma nap to never wake from.
I wish for the pulsating pain inside my brain to explode...
Destroy me... let my face match my mind... match my soul

And you left... but not forever?
Yes. Whatever you say dear... you were gone before I found you.
No more breathing life back into corpses.
I have never felt alone like this... it's different.
I feel free. No pressure.

I can finally fade.
No more need for me to save you.
And no need to save myself.