desperately seeking my good name

Am I really this desperate?
Desperately seeking sleep... dreading dreams... or nightmares.
Desperation and dread consumed the butterflies.
Work consumes the time I planned to re-paint my nails and dye my hair.
Work work work.
Excuses to not eat and sleep.
Excuse me when I fall dizzy.
Detoxing... in more ways than one.

And today I told her goodbye forever in our own little way. She knew what I meant. I never messed that one up because I could speak in code and with one nod and glance she knew. She knew this chapter was done... and she smiled. She was never one to mind.

Shake it off. Just shake it off... like you could never.
And instead of consuming beverage tonight I take a long hard drink of thought.
And it fills me... up up up and away.
And I realize how far away I got... from myself and from what truly defines me:
And it's not...
It's not the lack of discipline I learned on the road.
It's not chaos and debauchery.
Cheap sex dreams with women or the cheap thrills I'd get from making you sigh.

And now I am ready... to get back to me... and leave this all behind...