five years

Tonight I opened my eyes... and without blurred vision... I was able to see you for you... I was able to see the monster you have become. I always thought what I was seeing was my own reflection... in my tears... it was me looking back into my own eyes... but no... the tears fell dry this evening and I realized my vision was 20/20... and the monster's really you.

I have spent the past 5 years apologizing for all of your mistakes. I have spent the past five years thinking that perhaps I was just crazy for the sake of being crazy. To think all it would take was seeing it through someone else's eyes.. through my own eyes... I had become my own perfect stranger... completely in denial that I could be the victim............... once again.

This is not my fault.

Welcome to Hollywood

The water tastes bad... or is that just my mouth?
I am what feels like one million miles away from where I need to be... in every sense of the word... in every senseless way
And I have said it before and I will likely say it again...
So this is success? Someone please come save us from it?
I was so much happier getting by, unknown
I was perfectly fine appearing much less tall
This all grew from a seed of spite and I wonder why and how we got here?
It is rather apparent to me, always
But now that the moment is gone how do we get past this?
Now this means something different... but how do we shake that old dirt off?
And we are something they said we'd never be
And still we spit in the faces of success repeatedly
Fame or fury? Fame from fury?
This little fucking abusive short-fused outlet has taken on a whole new shape
Morphine flavored and more numbing than ever

Romance Defined

They call me romantic but my scale for romance is weighed by liquor and blood loss... the lace and flowers are all smoke and mirrors, truly. And how much I love you all depends on how clean I lick the knife when I'm done.

Paranoia in Untold Sounds

I want someone in whom I can tell my secrets to... in that hushed mellow excited way I used to... before you fell in love with me... before my thoughts were censored in a way to not harm you... because I have a secret and it needs to come out and spill over someone other than myself... I have something bottled up and about to burst inside of my own little shell... tearing me open wrist to elbow once again... creating an almost toxic atmosphere around me that only I can breath and suffocate in... and I am suffocating and I am terrified that if I die no one will ever know... I am shaking daily in my thoughts... I am paranoid beyond any paranoia... because if I go someone needs to know...

I wasn't... and I'm not

I become more and more certain each day that you truly might be the one who got away... poor judgement, poor timing... have left me pretty poor, indeed.
And you have escaped because my thoughts could not.... could not form words to be pulled through the exit wound... and now I am wounded, but smiling still through it all. And you are left unaffected and unaware because you still have me like you had me... and I'm the one who's at a loss... for words, for comfort, for the wealth of what could have been... if I could have been better... but I wasn't... and I'm not.