Rethinking Romance

I am a meaningless machine....
I am wound up tight so you can watch me dance for hours...
I am here infront of you now so you can rethink your romance...
I am here thousands of miles away so you can have meaning for one short moment...
So you can be missed and have something to miss...
Until something meaningful and beautiful appears before you...
And your redefined romance will be smeared across their lips...
And my lips will remain dry............. always.

I am not depressed

I'm not depressed - I'm human
I feel more than one thing at a time
I take comfort in sharp objects
While you go do your drugs or spoil your liver
I really don't see a difference here
I really don't see the difference
And still you pick and pull at me
You say, "oh hey! just cheer up"
And that line makes me want to vomit
...on your favorite pair of shoes
I am a creature of spite and my stomach is full
...of the years worth of bullshit I have been fed
Don't temp me tonight
I am not depressed but I am ready to purge

Plastic

I have painted my face with plastic... one too many times
And now I am stuck in this same old expression
And with it I sing the same old tune to make you smile
Underneath it all the problem lies... it's a lie
I don't give a shit about you
I don't give a shit about a goddamn thing
But smile pretty for the camera
And smile pretty for the client
My world is burning up and my bridges falling down around me
But I will smile until I'm stuck here...
And the truth is I already am
The truth is I am always real.... underneath the plastic
The truth is I am always much worse than I seem
But give me your money... give me your love and admiration
Because my face is painted nearly perfect...
Lips pointing up towards the corners...
Eyes never looking down

Useless

This is useless
Please don't touch me
I am over it... again and again
I need distance
But the future feels so far away
And the further I get from there...
the closer I get to here and now
And I wonder, really? Do I care?
And now I feel more careless than ever
More numb with each stabbing pain
My misery seems to manifest in physical illness
And I am miserable so I am doubled over in agony?
And I don't see anything fair about this
I don't really see the point
Where the fuck did that double rainbow go today
Gone in a hot second of my being completely disregarded, once again
And I am exhausted by this
I am exhausted by your presence
It makes me want to disappear forever
It makes me want to finish what I had once begun

Ghost

Perhaps I am a ghost... because when I speak you do not hear me... but you still talk to me in darkness and ask me for guidance... my answers just never seem to really come through... no matter how loud I scream... the words are lost... and you fall off the edge of the world despite all the caution I've voiced. What is a ghost to do... but finally disappear?

Like

"I don't know how I can miss you this much and still not have met you."
Might be the sweetest line I have ever been fed...
And I am hungry... but not foolish.
So I will only eat with caution... chewing eat bite over and over again.
A comfortable enough consistency to swallow.
And I swallow hard. And I like it. But only so much...

And my blood runs hot but slow...
To keep my body temperature at a very specific degree.
And part of me wants to just let go, for once.
But that other part screams in my face like my uncle did once when I
was 6 years old and crossed Berry Street without looking both ways
and nearly died. I will never again forget caution.

Flirting with danger is very far from throwing yourself under a bus.
But red looks good on me and blood turns me on...
These little inner conflicts fuck with me, like you do.
These little inner conflicts define my passions...
What defines you?

Ironic

I am drunk tonight... wasted even!
Arms stretch out... fingertips to you..
I am so confused. Half of me doesn't even care...
The other half cares to much...

And I wonder if you have moved on and I hope you have...
I do... Because I have... but have I? Without closure?
How far can I get?????

And I don't spend months of my life talking to someone for nothing.
I expect I'll have a friend... in the end...
But my expectations of you have always come with fog and uncertainty.
My expectations of you have always fallen short... as I fall.

Whoever is here to catch me... is never you.
Whoever is here to lift me up... if void of your voice.

And Irony strikes loud and CLEAR tonight...
Because the wall you've hated has fallen... and you are not here to benefit
You are not here to eat the fruit.

Instead I fall into a strangers gaze...
Much more familiar than yours ever was
Instead I find myself in "better" company
When it's you who has worked for this

But you choose not to be here.
You choose not to eat.
You choose not to ever speak to me again?

Alright. Irony. Okay.

Watching You Deflate

I have decided to post some of my "private writing" from awhile back... finally. It has posted in order... so you can find it by the link below. It is relevant to my newest posts... strange enough.

http://rilomonroe.blogspot.com/2009/07/watching-you-deflate.html

Silent Treatment

This silent treatment has me thinking and feeling...
Feeling more grateful than ever!
I'm glad I am 7 again... and in the second grade...
My accidental mud pie sabotage resulting in this same thing!
Silence. Michelle wouldn't talk to me for 3 whole days!
That's a long time for a 7 year old... But now I am 29.
And now I really don't get hung up on these immature acts.
You were always one to punish and then deny.
You were always one to install self doubt.
And your silence has been golden.
My resilience has been fierce.
And still I try... but not out of sincerity...
But more so to make my point.
I am not who you think I am.
I am not who you wanted me to be.
And I am Okay with this.
I know almost every jealous moment escaping your mouth..
Or fingertips... screamed guilt.
And I was right-on about you.
And I was right about this.
And your silence proves you wrong.
And your silence proves me right.
And the silence shows just how insincere every moment has been...
With you... for you...
You were just a fantasy wrapped in a non-existent friend.

And I could possibly love you...... if I truly were insane.

Lend me your ear... lend me your hand...
Let me tell you how it is and walk you back through how it was...
And how we got here.
I toss and turn at night. I have art on the mind. I have new eyes.
New eyes to look at and look through and look forward to looking into.
Your memory is fading fast and to it I clutch... I pride myself on persistence.
But the inconsistency that makes this consistent leaves something to be desired.
I just though you should know...
I am moving on.
I have held hands with another idea of what my life should be, and is.
I locked arms with reality and let go... free falling from a "shot down" plane.
And it's as plain as day... that this was shot a long time ago.
Drifting with the wind... air under wings to keep this afloat just a little longer.
My friend's say, a little too long. (and I agree)

Pre-Mass Destruction

I am walking into what could be a brilliant disaster and I don't really mind...
I am not running away from the pile of decay that will grow with the aftermath.
I come without any defenses and I think my shield is finally down.
I welcome this... all of it...
This is a breath of fresh air. This is just what I need... right now.
Excuse me while I take a moment to be selfish... take a moment for myself, for once.
And I will consume and devour this. I will drag my nails and sink my teeth in... deep.
And I will let go.... when I'm ready........ and not one second before.

Pretty Little Waste of Time

I am left in silence and I am silently unaffected?
Without a voice, without a care... in the world.
And it's this that makes me realize how I hold stock in some things with no true value.
Pretty distractions are just that... pretty distracting. Pointless, even.
And you are always without a point anyways, truly.
And I am always misunderstood. Well, at least... I was.
Combining going no where fast with getting some place far too fast is toxic, really.
And I opened my eyes this morning and tasted the pillow with my smile.
And I closed my eyes last night without a thought of you, for once.
I am a force beyond your control. You are a passive (not so aggressive) waste of time.
You confuse patience with procrastination.
But for once... I am not confused. Not misguided by your over anylizing tendancies.
And I realize that the way I live is the way I live. I am who I am. (and it's not wrong)
So take my hand and lead me to heartbreak in another's arms...
Because I'd rather feel love than this nothingness...
I would rather feel a cold sharp break than feel nothing at all.

What is lost with success...

I reach out with my hands into the darkness to feel something familiar
There is nothing to brush against anymore these days... in the dark, in the light
The new has come to be what is familiar but I'd love to see your eyes looking at me
Look at me the way they used to before I accomplished anything at all
You always looked at me as if I were the sun and you were a small planet in orbit
And now people see me and want the world but I refuse to give up what remains... a tiny spec of dust or a memory of the hug that came before most all things
I miss being nothing at all
I miss being everything to you

Giving Tree

I go through these phases where I want to see the bones in my arm and I am unsatisfied otherwise. All the blood in the world is not enough blood and every single human interaction rapes my soul just a little bit... like a tiny little devil's kiss behind the ear... a whisper of mass destruction... every human sound makes me cringe and I can hardly eat let alone stand the sight of myself or the sight of you and you and... you. I can feel this and this is not natural and I am not this evil but my skin crawls with callous and I want to just give up.