something's missing

I miss my mother.
I miss her touch and laugh and absolute cuteness.
I cry every time I consider the fact that I am unable to visit her.
I am a puddle every time I think about what the world will look like, taste like, smell like, feel like... without her.
But I am without her. The world tastes of lemons.
I am bitter. I am cold and confused.
I cry behind a windshield that rain beads off of and I apologize.
I am so sorry I am such a mess.
I am so sorry it's happening like this.
I am so sorry you can see my tears... and I flinched at every passing car!
and I gasp when someone passes too close!
and I sneeze at red-light-close-calls and I clasp my chest in horror
And I am truly horrified that it's all happening like this...
My world is fading not all to far away... I can see the sun get dimmer daily...
But I can hear her voice.
Christmas is bound to be lonely this year... alone in Philadelphia.
No need to go back home.
And I will have regrets... I should have just played dead.
My world is tearing apart from within my chest and I am already juggling organs just to keep them at arms length.
I lose everything... but I never thought I'd lose you.