Thursday, June 4, 2009

with affection

i've scraped my knees and elbows
i've torn the flesh from my rib cage

and still you think i'm beautiful.
and still i cannot see you. but i see you so clearly from this distance...
and trust me, i love you.
and circumstances are only circumstantial
and nothing is forever... exceptions that of death

do you recall that promise I spoke in texas while you were in california?
(when you were supposed to come to me but never showed up.)
you called a mess and crying. you said you wanted death.
i said, "that's fine. but hold on because if you do that and don't come to me i will take my life and meet you somewhere in that death, i promise."
and you said, "you wouldn't."
and i said something along the lines of, "try me."

and then you disappeared.

did you know i spent hours pacing in the dark...
each night i'd cry and pace until i fell down
and when i fell down to sleep i'd only dream about you
and i could still feel you despite the fact i never touched you
because you can touch certain parts without extending your arms
because you can hear certain words without making a sound

and i was scared. and i saw death. i was waiting for confirmation.
because what's life without understanding?
googling your name in every fucking search engine.
because i have loved and i am loved but i only ever wanted a little understanding. understand?
love is over-rated. love comes easily. no one....
understands me. not even you.
but you come close and fall far from short in my eyes

and beauty is in the eyes of the beholder
and you are beautiful

and did you know i almost died?
do you even have any idea of what i look like without food, and sleep, and flesh...
for weeks upon weeks?
do you realize what a close call it was when you finally called me?
i was about there. i was pretty close to done.

and you are my distant love - my closest friend
and you almost were my life
or the end of such things

and i know i neglect you
and i always feel bad about this
but something is unsettling in regards to the thoughts I have about you
i don't know how to feel

i guess what i am trying to say is this
i love you and my life depends on it
so lay off the crack and keep your ass out of jail

with affection,
your little kitten

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